Camping Fail
by BlessedMay
Summary: The Quileute werewolves go camping, old fashioned style. But they're a little rusty after being wolfy after all this time...


(A/N) This fic is dedicated to my amazing friend Cari who loyally reads all my stories and tells me how she really feels. :-D This is for you doll.

Also dedicated to a pretty awesome father of a friend who actually inspired this little ditty. The quote "Ten sober, fifteen drunk" is his. Inspired by our own epic camping trip this past weekend. Let the good times roll and enjoy.

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"I swear to all that's holy Embry, if you flick me with that pencil one more time..." Leah's voice trailed off, her acerbic words completed by the "death glare" she sent his way. Embry smiled impishly before flicking her with the pen again. The feral growl that erupted from Leah's still human throat had the Quileute boy running at top speed from Emily's porch. Jacob sighed before catching hold of Leah's t-shirt. She turned a snarl his way but resigned from the chase.

"Quil, I'm booored." Embry moaned as he took a seat by the smaller boy.

"And what am I supposed to do about that?"

"I don't know! Let's do something! Anything!" He glanced around for suggestions.

"Well, if push comes to shove, we could always hog tie you to a tree and use you as a pinata." Paul said, a smirk perched on his lips.

"Yeah, yeah, love you too Paul." Embry swiped at his pack mate with a large hand that the other wolf easily swatted away.

"Let's go camping." The suggestion came from Seth, who was perfectly seated on the edge of a bench seat.

"What? Now?" The boy nodded eagerly at Jacob's question.

"Why would we waste a perfectly good weekend like that?" Came Paul's biting opinion as he stalked forward.

"'Cause it's better to waste time camping than sitting here doing nothing." Strangely enouh, no one had a good counter arguement.

"Let's do it." Jacob said as he rose from his seat on the porch steps. "I'm sure dad has a tent or two stored away."

"Are you serious?" Leah questioned as she stood to follow her pack leader.

"Yes, I am Leah. So you go with Seth and find some sleeping bags. Embry and Quil, go ask Emily to help you find some food for the trip. Paul, go find Jared, Collin and Brady. They're invited too." Everyone left to take care of their duties; worried and excited for the weekend ahead.

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"Embry! Drop that before you poke someone in the eye!" Leah snatched the tent pole as the boy in question swung it around purposely.

"Awww! You're just no fun Leah!" He declared as he plopped down on a log next to Jared, who was attempted and failing to start a fire.

"Don't be such a funsucker." Quil commented, busy lifting the tent so Paul coud slide in the rest of the supports.

"I'll show you funsucker when I shove this pole up your rear." She threatened, glaring at Embry, then Quil.

"Woohoo! Kinky! Didn't know you went for stuff like that Leah!" The she-wolf dropped the mallet she had been using and started off towards Embry. Jacob thought about stopping her, but relaxed in his chair instead. Embry promptly squealed before ducking behind Seth. The younger boy dove to the side as Leah lunged forward suddenly.

"No! Please!" Embry cried as Leah pinned him to a tree with his t-shirt. "You can kick my butt all you want, but please spare the shirt! I'm running low on these things you know!" The tense moment paused before the group started laughing.

"You got that tent up yet Paul?" Brady questioned in between bites of marshmallow.

"Not yet and hey! Stop eating all the marshmallows or we won't be able to cook s'mores!" Jacob obligingly removed the marshmallows from Brady's grip, despite the boy's protests.

"Hey, do you think we'll see bigfoot while we're out here?" Everyone paused at the thirteen year old's naive question. Collin blushed when everyone looked his way. He shrugged and said, "Just wondered how yeti tastes."

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"It looks kind of small."

"That's what she said."

"Oh God! Grow up Embry!"

"Funsucker."

"We've already been over this." Leah stopped speaking and turned her attention away from Embry.

"How many people can this tent hold Paul?" Jacob asked. The werewolf seemed to ponder the answer a moment before he spoke quite seriously.

"Eh, ten sober, fifteen drunk." Everyone paused.

"Say what?" Collin seemed too surprised at Paul's answer to really form a quality question.

"Heh! Guess it's a good thing I brought this then huh?" Quil chuckled as he lifted a bottle of tequila in one hand and vodka in the other.

"Oh man." Jacob commented before covering his face with his hands.

"Dude, is it legal for us to drink that stuff?" Collin asked as he stared at the bottles.

"No, but who cares?" Embry stated as he snatched one of the bottles from Quil. A brief tug-of-war ensued that left Quil victorious and Embry pouting.

"You boys are hard enough to handle sober, how much worse can you be when drunk?" Leah asked as she took over the fire starting. Jared frowned when she lit the fire in five minutes where he had been attempting for the last twenty. The boys eagerly stuck marshmallows and wieners over the fire on rickety sticks and watched them cook. Jared let out an enthusiastic "whoop!" before he thrust his marshmallow over the fire.

"I'm glad we decided to go camping guys." Seth stated as he dropped his marshmallow into the fire. "Oh crap." He frowned and then stole Embry's.

"Hey! My marshmallow!" The boy yelled in retaliation. A brief fight ensued once again in which Embry lost his marshmallow, Seth dropped his stick in the fire and won the marshmallo, Quil used the liquor bottles for a shield and Jacob ended up splayed out on the ground next to the bonfire with little shards of glass on his shirt.

"Well crud." Quil sighed, holding the necks of the two smashed bottles. "There goes my booze man."

"Smooth move." Paul declared as he picked a glass shard from his lap.

"Not my fault! I blame Seth!" The younger boy stuck his tongue out at a scowling Quil before rooting through the cooler for more food.

"Screw this!" Jared exclaimed as he tossed down his stick, his second flaming hot dog burning slowly.

"Not much of an outdoorsman, eh Jared?" Embry asked sarcastically. The other boy snarled before taking a seat by Leah.

"Who's bright idea was this again?"

"Seth's."

"What?"

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"Oh. My. God. If you don't get your foot out of my face right this very moment Embry, I'm gonna..."

"Alright already! Jeez Leah, no need to break out the scowly face!"

"I'll show you scowly face!"

"Not the face! Not the face!" Embry shrieked. Silence.

"What just happened?"

"I don't know."

"Hey Embry, you still alive?"

"Ewwww!" Collin cried out after rolling over to check on Embry. "Leah and Embry are _kissing_!" The pack groaned in unison while the guilty couple broke apart and searched for an excuse.

"What the heck you two?" Jacob stared down his pack mates until Embry grinned sloppily and Leah flushed.

"Would you believe me if I said Embry was suffering from asphyxiation and I was performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?" No one spoke, but the answer was clear. "Thought not."

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"What the... holy...!" Paul's exclaimation of surprise woke everyone in the tent.

"What is it Paul?" Jacob questioned, rubbing his eyes. He blinked and then searched for Paul. The boy in question was currently scrambling around in search of something.

"It's a freaking 'coon!" He declared as he grabbed a flaying knife.

"What do you plan to do with that?" Brady asked innocently, sitting up in his sleeping bag. His dark brown hair was tousled from sleep and he had a partially melted marshmallow in it.

"Um, dude, you have a marshmallow stuck to your hair." The boy fumbled for the stick sweet even as Leah plucked it from his head.

"Oh, thanks Leah."

"I'm gonna get me a 'coon." Paul stated as he dove from the tent.

"Ow! Watch where you swing that thing!" Quil cried out as he pulled his hand away from the tent's door flap. His hand was sliced open neatly from pinky to the base of his thumb. It slowly started to heal right before their eyes.

"Day-um!" Collin exclaimed before blushing when everyone gave him a funny look. "What?"

"Day-um?" They could practically _see _the disbelief in Leah's words. Embry started giggling hysterically as the boy tried to explain himself.

"You know, from the song? Oh hot day-um, this is my jay-um?" His voice cracked mid-sentence which made Embry laugh even louder. To the embarrassed boy's relief, Jacob reached over and smacked Embry across the back of the head.

"Thanks Jake." Collin curled up in his sleeping bag and tried to disappear.

"It's okay Collin, I think I know what song you're talking about." Seth said kindly, even though he had no clue what song it was. Collin gave him a weak smile before perking his ears to listen to Paul's complaints from outside.

"Hey Paul! How's 'coon hunting going for you?" Embry changed victims abrubtly and waited for a reply.

"Stupid bandit crawled up a tree!"

"And you're going up after him why"

"Chew through the tent and," Whatever came after was too garbled to understand.

"What was that Paul?" Embry pursued, glancing around the tent for anything suspicious.

"He ate my twinkies stash!" He screamed as he started climbing the tree after the raccoon. The pack burst into laughter as Paul huffed in indignation.

"All this," Quil gasped, "over twinkies?" He burst into laughter again and collapsed against Seth, who immediately pushed him off and rose from the floor and exited the tent.

"Let's tag team him Paul, we'll get that 'coon yet!"

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"Did you boys have fun?" Emily questioned as the pack members wandered into her kitchen at noon the next day. She received a grunt from several of the boys, so she sat them down and inspected them. Each had dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep and smudge marks from dirt and other questionable things. Paul promptly collapsed in a chair and let his head plop down onto the table. Emily jumped at the noise, but proceeded over to the counter to grab the plate full of muffins she had baked earlier. As she passed by Quil she paused and sniffed the air.

"Quil, you smell really strange. What did you get into?" He moaned and took a seat.

"Long story, no energy." He said as he grabbed a muffin off the plate Emily brought over.

"Yeah." Seth acknowledged and fell asleep in the doorway.

"My goodness! What happened to your clothes Seth?"

"Fought a 'coon and lost." Embry mumbled before sitting on the counter. There were voices from outside rapidly approaching. They recognized them as Billy Black and Sam as the two stepping into the house. They each entered the kitchen, careful to avoid Seth and paused by Quil.

"Jake, why is there a hole in my tent?"

"Why does Quil smell like liquor?" There was a pause before the sleeping boy in the doorway mumbled,

"Ten sober, fifteen drunk."


End file.
